Venting. (go back »)

Dude, I just keep on finding ways to disappoint myself, and as well as certain people that are close to me. I know I shouldn't do this, or I shouldn't do that, but I keep on making the same mistakes over 'nd over again. In the end, the only person that I am really fooling, is myself. I can't seem to find that motivation or determination to accomplish all the things that I have planned. Once I have this one thing set in my mind, I am ready to go after and accomplish it, but I always end up losing that motivation and just give up. I don't want to grow up and be a quitter. I want to be able to tell my children and grandchildren that I was an ambitious person. I want to be their motivation to succeed, since no one was really mine's. I want to be there and support them. I don't want to be there just to tell them that they have to do this and do that, and criticize them if they fail. I know that there are many people out there that doubt me, and the number one thing that I want to do is to prove them all wrong. I am sick and tired of people judging me of the way I am when all they know about me is my name. Just because I laugh, and play around when I am around you doesn't mean that I am not qualified for a certain position in a certain area. Have you seen me at work? Have you ever tried looking into my bedroom window? Cause I am pretty sure you're gonna find a little girl sitting in front of her computer with pen and paper beside her trying to figure out how to do her homework problem. Do you know how ambitious I am? I have never settle for a simple answer, I dig for the fucking solution. Yeah, I might not be as ambitious as certain people, but I know damn well I try. I never explained to anyone my actions because I don't care what they think. I am an outgoing person, I like to laugh and talk, and if that makes me immature, then so be it.. what is wrong with being happy? People call me SUNSHINE for a damn reason. Duh. I am sick and tired of all these people talking their share of crap when they, themselves, don't know what really goes down with me. I am not saying that all I live around is full of negative shit because I seriously don't. I might have a few people here and there that are full with BS, but overall most of the people I truly care about are awesome. I am also not trying to say that my household is worse than yours because it is probably not. Even if it was, that is not something I would want to brag about to get attention. That to me, is pitiful. To brag and get attention from your own misfortune, how sorry can you get? People will care for only a matter of time until they get tired/bored of the same thing you tell them, and eventually, they are going to find other things from other people to entertain them. Whoosah, I feel much better.

-SUNSHINE